People have been telling me to have hope. But hope is something that is so difficult to have. It's not like pain, because you can see what causes pain. Like that time when I fell off my bike because I was riding too fast, I felt pain on my elbows and I could see that I was bleeding. I knew why I was in pain.
But hope? Hope is hard. When I did my Math exam; I stayed up reading until 2a.m doing algebra that I really suck at. I felt like I was getting it right finally on my own, I felt like there was a chance I was going to pass those exams, but I didn't pass them. That's when I knew that it was certain that I'd feel pain. Mr. Odede's cane would make sure of that.
And that's the problem with hope, it's uncertain; you can feel lied to after believing so much in something you wanted. Pain on the other hand? Pain is certain, pain is real, pain can be seen. When I'm disappointed, I know why, when I'm hurt, I know why, when I'm bleeding I know why.
I was so disappointed in myself that I'd failed the Math exam. But I couldn't spend so much time thinking about that because the play that we'd been rehearsing for was to be acted out the next week. I had to focus on doing my best, because it was my first time acting and Fred and the rest of the squad was going to come through to see me.
That was one long week. We were rehearsing late into the night so I couldn't chill with the homies, I couldn't go for preps, I couldn't even play football man! But I didn't mind it so much because acting was so dope.
The day finally came, and I was mad sweaty because I was nervous. I couldn't even believe that I was actually going to be on stage and everyone was going to be watching me what?! So I prayed, and when my scene came, man, I was nervous as hell! But Sydney was even more nervous than I was! So when he and I were having a dialogue on stage, he stammered and forgot some of his lines so I had to keep stepping in and making jokes to keep the dialogue going. I guess being a woman in the play wasn't too easy. Only the guys who knew the script knew it wasn't going according to the plan because at the end everyone clapped for us and cheered and threw flowers on stage! Fred and Brian even bought me smokies after the play. Mr. Odede patted me on the back and congratulated me on the job well done. Mr. Odede!! Who had just beaten me a week ago!
I know Math is a big deal, and not passing that exam, and questioning myself all week was also a big deal. Wondering what I'll become, wondering if I'm just destined to be nothing, wondering whether I'll live up to mum's expectations. I worry a lot, and I talk down to myself a lot, and I don't pass some exams, but I'm still here. Life has its ups and downs, and painful moments; but without questioning myself, would I have been hungry to find answers? Without the pain of disappointment would I want to prove that I'm good at something? Without failing the Math exam, would I have known how to stay focused and have an amazing performance the next week?
I guess what this taught me is that sometimes I don't always get what we want, because there's something better ahead, as long as I keep moving. At the end of the day, whether good or bad things happen, I'm still going to end up where I'm supposed to end up, and everything will be just fine.
Author: Martie Mtange | Date Created2017-09-07 02:31:44 | Comments: 0