Lost. That’s how I feel … exceedingly lost. Who and what am I? I know what people say I am but I don’t really know it for myself. I’m drowning in my own self-doubt and lack of identity. And you know what? No one sees it. No one knows. And even if they did they wouldn’t care.

Diary, the last thing I want is to be a disappointment to my parents, siblings, friends and teachers. I work hard, at least I think I do. But I honestly wonder if all that hard work pays off. I’ve been thinking and trying to discover what I’d really want to do with my life and to be honest it’s quite the mystery. It’s not that I don’t have ideas but the things I’d rather do are so unrelated that it makes no sense.

Why was I even created? Like what’s my purpose? Do I have one or I’m I just here to fill up space on this big earth? I listened to Sammie, Trevor and Lexy when they came to visit me in school and guess what? They know exactly what they want to do when they grow up. Like I’m the first born and I have no idea of what I ought to do with my life and here are some little minions who have a vision. But everyone has their own plan for my life, it’s like I was born for people to live their dreams through me.

So, dad thinks I should be a journalist. Like honestly, a journalist!! He says I have impeccable English. No argument there (clearly, I just used impeccable) but if I was a good dancer would he want me to be Bruno Mars’ backup dancer? I highly doubt it. Then mum; sigh! My beloved mother wants me to be a nurse. I know she wanted to be one at some point in her life but wasn’t that her dream? Why should I, who hates needles, pick this dream of hers and make it my own?

During visiting day, we had a minor scuffle with the folks. And no Diary, it wasn’t my fault. Anyway, remember I told you that my parents told me that science is for boys, rather they implied it? Well, I went ahead and picked the three sciences either way. You see I want to study forensic science, like all that Navy NCIS and CSI stuff. I am exceedingly intrigued by crime scene investigations and laboratory analysis and stuff. I’m like Dexter in my head apart from one thing; the Sciences are so darn hard!! I barely understand a thing in class, no matter how much I ask questions and do extra work and actually purpose to read. It’s like my brain automatically filters the sciences out of my system. I’m so nervous about exams cos I kid you not if I fail those sciences, my folks will have the I told you so Tess face. Like what I’m I supposed to do with that face but feel like a total loser?

As if Samuel dumping me on a letter couldn’t make me feel like a greater loser! Apparently, he can’t handle the distance since I joined boarding school. And he also feels we aren’t looking for the same things, whatever that means. Sigh, I digress. I just feel like quite the loser (and heart-broken). My siblings look up to me and I can’t even understand the basics of what I want to become. Maybe I should just give up this dream once and for all. Maybe my dad is right, I should just become a journalist and make do with that.

Or maybe I could become a photographer and… sigh see what I’m telling you Diary? I can’t even think straight. Who am I? And will I ever make anything of myself?